Sunday, March 13, 2011

I'll miss you Lindsey...


Lindsey Rae Quinlan
May 1, 1987 - February 22, 2011

 ..... this is really happening :( 

 Kasey (Lindsey's boyfriend), Brandon Shupe (Steph's husband), and Mike Quinlan (Lindsey's dad) 

 Lindsey LOVED flowers. 

I look up to Stephanie for how graceful she was throughout this whole process. 
This is the best picture I got of Stephanie. 
She looked so beautiful. 
I see a lot of Lindsey in her. 

It so hard to imagine someone you grow up with passing away as tragically as Lindsey did. I can't really wrap my head around it. It's surreal. It's as if this week isn't really happening and I'll wake up from this nightmare and life will be back to normal. But I'm not going to wake up and this nightmare isn't going away. It's real. Lindsey passed away. What keeps us all going is knowing that she is in the loving hands of our Heavenly Father and that she isn't suffering with this evil addiction anymore. It's so sad that it takes a tragedy and losing an angel like Lindsey to wake people up and to realize how short and precious life is. I truly hope this brings a harsh realization to my mom and other users. I hope they put the needles down and clean their lives up or they are going to end up just like Lindsey did. 
I hope that my mom stays clean and doesn't give in to her addiction. We need a mom. We want our mom here. I don't really understand addiction. A part of me felt like people who suffered with an addiction cared more about the high and the drugs than their own family. After this week I don't think that is the case. I think the addiction changes them and their priorities. If she had been clean her priorities would have been totally different. The same with my mom. Now that she is getting clean my sister and I and staying clean are her priorities. 
I have so many funny memories with Lindsey. She was such a fun, outgoing, hilarious, beautiful, stubborn, caring sister. I wouldn't change the experiences we've shared for the world. I'll always remember laughing together until we cried. I'll remember playing soccer together. I'll remember sharing a locker together and her teaching me how to do my hair and makeup. I'll remember the four of us girls making my dad so mad ALL the time. I'll remember the pink slug bug we were all so embarrassed of. I'll remember how I wanted to be like her and look like her. I'll remember her beauty. I'll remember the last conversation we had, the last text she sent, the last time I saw her smiling face. I will hold so many memories of us together so dear to my heart. I love you Lindsey! Stephanie we will always be sisters:)
Losing Lindsey has brought a lot of people together. KK and I have spent a lot of time with family and with Charla and Robert. Going through this time in my life has really strengthened my testimony. Last time I had someone I loved pass away I completely lost myself. I fell away from the church. I was angry at everything and everyone. I wanted to be everything I never was just to forget about everything somehow. Living the life I lived didn't bring me happiness. I was lost, confused, misguided, alone... at least that is how I felt. I chose to be alone. I chose to turn my back on our Savior. I'm so grateful that I have such a strong testimony of the gospel AND of eternal family AND the plan of salvation. I know Lindsey is ok and in such a better place with her Savior. I know that Pascal is there as well. This time around I didn't feel the need to take sleeping medicine ALL day everyday. I felt peace and comforted rather than alone. I know that my Savior knows exactly what she meant to me and knows how losing her has affected me. I know she is not suffering this addiction she had anymore. I know that she is smiling down on all of us. I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to share such a big chunk of my life with her, as sisters. Whether we were fighting, crying, or laughing we always loved each other. No matter what I will always love her  and she will always be my sister. I'm so grateful for Mike, Charla, Steph, Robert, Rachel, Brenda, my mom, KK, Katie, Amy, Travis... these people are amazing! Travis gave me a blessing to help me get through that rough time. Katie and Amy were there for me when I needed them to come and rescue me. Amy bought me fattening goodies. Rachel and Brenda made me feel like family. Robert was so sweet. Mike was so strong and such a good dad. He knows he isn't the only one hurting from this loss. He is so caring. Charla will ALWAYS be my step mom. I miss her so much. It was just like old times. Stephanie has more courage than anyone I've ever met. She is so graceful and such a strong woman. I love that girl!
Lindsey was so beautiful! Her laughter was so contagious and she had the most beautiful smile. Even though I was the oldest I ALWAYS wanted to be like her.
I love you Lindsey!

Later that night.... 
Shelli and Noelle took me to Farr's Fresh to cheer me up :) 
I have the BEST friends EVER! 
Aren't they pretty!? :) 

 Shelli and Noelle helped me get through this weekend.  
You girls are the best. I love you both! 

sometimes I forget that I'm lactose intolerant.... oops! 
ps. I'm really not sure how I got chocolate on my face. 
I'm really not surprised I managed to do that though. 
Typical Carissa. 

boys VS. girls

 Step brothers.
Nick and Brett.
 Noelle is focused.
Chuck is a creeper ;)
 Shelli was the reason for the defeat against the oh so confident boys... 
little did they know their confidence would be shot! 
 Stop being good at EVERYTHING Nick. Geeze. 
 I look sleepy and swollen from crying :(
ah well

 I'm not a bowler. Meh. 

Noelle and Shellicopter. 
Super Cute!!


Later that night Mike wrote this back to me on FB. 
I couldn't help but cry.... :'(

Even though it's been a few weeks since Lindsey passed the pain is still there. I haven't forgotten her. I still cry. I still get sad. I miss her. BUT I KNOW we will see each other again and that gets me through this.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Think Of Me Photography

Alexandria Cunningham used me as her "model" for a mentoring session she was teaching. 
I think she needed someone there to teach me how to model, ha. 
I'm not going to quit my day job anytime soon to model. 
Good thing she wasn't paying me...
she bought me a cupcake.... 
That's all I'm worth is a CUPCAKE! :)
and I'm content with that! ha.

Drum roll please.....................

ta dahhhhhhh! 


 the story behind this picture...
We were going to random locations in Ogden and ended up at this 
somewhat abandoned place. 
I went to sit by the fence but what was on the ground????
but love this picture. 

 LOVE! this is my favorite. 

 This is one of the first ones we took... 
this was actually taken by Destiny Owens.
Alex was her mentor. 
She was great! 
(the last ones are by Destiny Owens)
 I'm a smiler :)

Friday, October 1, 2010


i am: emotional. compassionate. spiritual. outgoing. friendly. determined. sarcastic. silly. analytical. afraid. forgiving. accepting. impatient. procrastinator. stubborn.
i think: wayyyy too much about what other people think.
i know: that I’m a daughter of our Heavenly Father. I know that He knows me inside and out. I know that He has a plan for me. I know that He loves me, and has always loved me. I know that no matter what  He will always be there for me. I know Jesus Christ died for ME so I can be forgiven of my sins and return to my Heavenly Father.
i want: to go skydiving
i have: the loudest laugh ever!
i dislike: tomatoes. yuck!
i miss: Little Pascal like no other. 
i fear: losing another loved one.
i feel: like I’ve grown up a lot in the last year. I’ve made a complete transformation, for the better. I feel... happy with who I am and where I am at in my life.
i hear:  the amazing Sara Bareilles, Gravity. She sings about things I’m feeling and going through right now.
i smell: like cotton candy :) mmmmm....
i crave: Red Mango, and Oreo’s... too bad Noelle and I are on a diet for the next month! ughh!
i usually: fight for what i want and believe in.
i search: lyrics and quotes.
i wonder: when everything is going to fall into place....
i regret: not being true to myself, for too many years.
i love: with all of my heart... i put my everything into what/who i love.
i care: about other people and their feelings. i would never intentionally hurt anyone.
i always: say JUST kidding and just saying after everything...
i worry: about EVERYTHING! i need to chillax! Yoga here i come!
i am not: perfect, or patient. but i am a good person.
i remember: everything!!!
i believe: in love! i believe in fairytale endings!
"I Believe that everything happens for a reason People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they"re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." -Marilyn Monroe

i dance:
in my room, in my car, walking around campus.... i’m a dancing machine!
i sing: “love the way you lie” wayyy too much. but i love that song.
i don’t always: understand why things happen,  but i have faith there is a reason it is all happening...
i argue: like a child. i’m not any good at it. i never get my point across. i’d rather just kiss and make up.
i write: on my blog... it’s my release. my journal. i can let everything out here. it’s therapeutic.
i win: people over with my laugh :)
i lose: myself in breakups.... but find myself in breakups too...
i wish: i wouldn’t react on my emotion as often as i do...
i listen: to the same song, over and over and over and over!
i don't understand: boys. never will. i give up. :)
i can usually be found: on campus. at mi casa. or with my best friend Noelle.
i am scared: get my heart broken... again....
i need: to worry about myself right now.
i forget: where i put my car keys every morning.
i am happy: when i am doing what is right. CTR baby! ;)

Thursday, September 30, 2010

i LOVE my life because....

I have a best friend that gets me. 
Noelle sends me good morning texts to help me make it through the day,
knowing the mornings are the hardest time for me.  
My family is somewhat dysfunctional, but they love me no matter what. 
Kalai is apart of my life. 
I don't know how I lived without his music before. 
Oreo's are my go to snack. Morning. Afternoon. Night
Mountain Dew is always in stock in my house. 
Thank you Katie and Travis
I FINALLY live in a stable environment.
Katie and Amy are always willing to listen to my "drama"
I have the gospel in my life... again.. 
I know who I am. 
Where I'm going.
What I want
Summer 2010 is one I'll never forget: falling in love, Cabo, parasailing, snorkeling, boating, wakeboarding, hiking, Seven Peaks, Yellowstone, Bear Lake, Vegas, unforgettable pictures, the drive-in, golfing, swimming, softball, soccer, new friendships, rekindled old friendships, D, getting back into church. 
Sydney and Kaylee
My two beautiful sisters. 
I wouldn't know how to love unconditionally if it wasn't for those two. 
My Dad has the same exact sense of humor as I do and we can laugh for hours. 
I have the best cousins in the world. I love Star and JC with all of my heart
They are the two people I look up to the most.
 Glee! Need I say more?
If only Fin would look at me the way he looks at Rachel...sigh...
I'm so grateful that I was able to learn how to truly LOVE this summer...
I know what it feels like to TRULY be in love
To love someone more than myself
To LOVE someone so much that their happiness comes before my own.
Some people don't get the opportunity to feel the way I felt this summer:
butterflies, fireworks, safety, happiness, forever... 
I will feel it again someday...
I would rather have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all...
I know what I deserve... 
and what I don't deserve...
I deserve someone who is going to love me as much as I love him. 
Who isn't afraid of me.
Who will surprise me with sweet notes or flowers..
Who knows what he has when he has it
Who puts me before himself. 
I'll make someone very happy one day. 
I haven't had my fairtytale yet... 
but I know he is out there... waiting for me. 
It's almost October!
Halloween is right around the corner! 
Debating between costumes at this moment.. no matter what it'll rock! 
As for my birthday.. I don't want to talk about it.. 24 is depressing
However, I still LOVE my life :) 
I am a strong, independent, compassionate, outgoing, blessed young.. woman? 
I don't like to call myself woman.. it's weird.. however, I technically am a woman.. I don't feel like a woman though. 
More like a girl.. 
It's conference this weekend and I'm crossing my fingers I get tickets! 
My faith in Heavenly Father is stronger than ever. 
I can let go of things in my life gracefully, knowing it'll all work out. 
Heavenly Father loves me. 
I am going to learn how to snowboard this winter! 
Thanks Noelle!
It's almost hoodie season...
7-11 hot chocolate soon...
cuddling? maybe not so much.. :)
2 more months left of the semester 
I love CLS
I'm French
Lyrics and quotes complete me.
I can always find something super cute at 25th Street Boutique
Red Mango
Winter. Fall. Summer. Spring. 
I live in a place with all four seasons. 
love it. 
Taylor Swift
Sarah Bareilles.
Glee Soundtrack.
music relates to my life! 
I'm very blessed.
I've gone through struggles, but I've made it through them all.
My laugh is awesome
just sayin. 
I have the best friends.
They are like my family
I know how short life is. 
Live everyday as if it's your last.
I am me.
and I like me.



Wednesday, September 29, 2010

a new start.

Should people be given second, third, or fourth chances? I wouldn't be where I am today without God and the people around me willing to give me more than one chance. I was lost for almost 4 years. I ran as far away from me and everything I knew because I was angry. Angry with myself. Angry with God. Angry with my family.

Let me explain where all of this anger came from. It came from losing my cousin Pascal to suicide. Little Pascal was like my brother. He was a month older than me. We grew up together. He is in almost every childhood memory I have. He was my best friend. He was the person I vented to. He practiced softball with me. He laughed with me. He cried with me. In losing him I lost myself. It's been 4 years now and to this day it doesn't seem real. The pain is still here. I still cry about it. I still struggle with it. I've lost quite a few people I love, but nothing has hurt as much as a tragic loss from suicide.
I remember the last thing I said to him. I remember the last text he sent me which was I love you! I remember his crazy curly hair. I remember his out of control personality and laugh (sound familiar, sounds like me huh!). I was in New York working as a nanny when I had found out. I remember that Sunday like no other Sunday. I had gone to church that day. I finally felt good about being out there and not wanting to go home. I was happy. I had new friends. I was involved with church. Life was good. Little did I know my life would change drastically in less than an hour. Driving home I couldn't wait to call my mom to tell her that I was finally doing okay out there. I called her. She said, "Carissa, let me talk to the parents there." I said, "What are you talking about? Why?" She said,  "I need to talk to the parents there." I was so confused. I said, "If you don't tell me I'm going to freak out!" She said with a cry, "Pascal shot himself. He's dead!" The phone call dropped. She wasn't on the other end of the line. I couldn't believe what I just heard. I called my grandma to confirm this awful news. Sure enough, my nightmare began. Within two hours I was on the way to the airport to catch a red eye home. That was the worst flight of my life.

I remember standing by his casket, looking down at his lifeless body in disbelief, praying that it was a nightmare I'd wake up from. June 25, 2006 was the worst day of my entire life. I was angry with myself because I felt like as Pascal's "rock" I wasn't here for him. I feel like I could have done more, and... I didn't. I feel like I should have seen the signs of his depression. I should have known how he was feeling. I should have been here for him. I was angry with God for taking my best friend so young. I was angry at God because someone who isn't God told me that Pascal was going to hell because he killed himself. I was angry with my family for not doing absolutely everything they could while I was in New York. They were the one's here in his last days. I was not. They should have been sensitive to his depression. They should have seen signs of suicide. His friends should have seen these signs!
It took me a long time to stop crying everyday. I didn't want to feel the pain so I took medicine to make me sleep all day, everyday. I did that for about a month before my cousin Star realized I had a problem.  I felt so much pain, that I didn't think I was capable to feel anymore. I didn't think I was strong enough to go through this loss. Little did I know, all I needed to do was to turn to Heavenly Father, instead I ran as far away from him as I could.

I didn't want to be who I was, who I had always been anymore. I didn't want to go to church. I didn't pray anymore. The anger had completely taken over me. I lost all faith. I lost all hope. The one thing I've realize is that when you lose faith, hope, church, and our savior, you end up losing yourself. I dated out of the ordinary. I did things I would never have done before. Deep down I knew everything I was doing was wrong. I knew I wasn't happy. However, on the surface it seemed to make me really happy. It was only temporary happiness. Not unconditional happiness that you get from our savior, from faith, from doing what's right, from being true to who you are.

I strayed for 3 years. Knowing I was missing something. Knowing I wasn't happy. Knowing I was walking around with a cloud over my head keeping me so lost and confused about everything in life.

About seven months ago a dear friend of mine, no name needed, helped me get back on the right path. He inspired me to want to be better. To want to go to church and find God. To want to change my life. To find myself again. Almost instantly the cloud around my head changed to a light that everyone saw. I was changing for the better. For myself. Not anyone else.  I am so lucky that he didn't give up on me, that my new friends and family didn't give up on me, and most of all that Heavenly Father didn't give up on me and turn his back on me like I did to him. I have received so many incredible blessings from opening my heart to my Heavenly Father. I know that my dear friend was sent to me for a reason. Without him I wouldn't be where I am. I tell him he's an angel. He will always be dear to my heart. Without him I wouldn't have met Katie and Travis Price. Katie and Travis are the most amazing people I've ever met. They are the best blessing I've ever received. I'm so lucky that they opened up their home to me. They helped me get back on the right path as well. Words can't even describe my love for this amazing family. I know what it is to live without the gospel and I know what it is to live with the gospel. Life without the gospel is no life at all. I have lost friends for making these changes, but I've gained new ones. I know who I am and what I want. I know where I'm going in life and I have faith in Heavenly Father and I know that he has a plan for me and that everything works out how it should. Every person needs to go through trials. Giving my burdens to Heavenly Father is the only way I can gracefully make it through any trial. He gives me peace. He gives me strength. He gives me hope. He gives patience. It doesn't take the pain away but knowing that everything is going to be okay and that I'm not alone makes it that much easier. I know that the atonement is real. I know that Jesus Christ suffered for me, so I could be forgiven. I know he feels what I'm feeling. I know he knows me inside and out. I know that I wouldn't be where I am without my savior. I am the luckiest girl in the world. I know I wont always understand why things happen. I have to have faith that it is all happening for a reason.

If second, third, or fourth chances weren't an option.... I wouldn't be where I am today. I am so grateful that we have such a merciful, forgiving, loving Father in Heaven. He is my everything. I'm not confused anymore. I'm not lost. I know who I am. I know what makes me happy. I know what I want from this life and what I deserve. I know that I'm a daughter of our Heavenly Father and I know that he didn't give up on me for a reason. I love him with all of my heart.